On Striving And My Goal In Life

'ASAP: As slow as possible'

Well, hello. I am aware that I am two days late. That it is Monday instead of Saturday. Sorry. But what so? You are here, I am here. Let's make some magic.

An unhurried life.

To be honest, I missed you. I had it on my to-do list to write a blog post on Saturday, of course. But it was the 25th of December. We were still drunk on the jolly Christmas spirit. There was the junior baking competition on the tele, followed by Bohemian Rhapsody. I let myself off the hook.

I have made twenty-two vlogmas videos so far. Christmas is over, but I still want to edit the rest of my vlogs and upload them before the new year. But my current approach feels entirely different.

I had sacrificed much of my sleep, walks and personal time, to make my videos. Now that we are nearing the end of vlogmas, I think about the sobering questions from the book E-Myth Revisited every now and then. The questions are:

• What do I value most? (keeping in mind that actions speak loudly than words)
• What kind of life do I want?
• How do I want my life to look like, to feel like?
• Who do I wish to be?

After questioning my commitment towards writing last week, I have began to open myself up. To allow myself to dream of the other joys in life. Not that of just writing or making videos, but more.

I know it may sound silly, but I realised that I tend to approach my joyful habits in an unimaginative manner. Even on the days where I somehow manage to check off all the habits, I only get a momentary satisfaction. The next day arrives and I have to begin again. Aren't we all like Sisyphus to some extent?

I am tired of living like that. I don't want the rest of my life to be an endless to-do list that renews every 24 hours. If that is the price to be a published author or to have 100K subscribers on YouTube, then I have to walk away. I would keep walking, and stop only to look at the sunset and the trees.

Well, hi gorgeous.

I have some, but not total clarity, about the person that I wish to be. Ten, twenty, forty years from now. I want my life to feel peaceful, to emit warmth from within. I want my life to feel enough, unhurried. Slow. I want it to be like a Studio Ghibli film, where I live in my own little world that I have sculpted. Painstakingly, yet effortlessly.

I notice that paradoxical quality in my videos and my writing. It has always given me great satisfaction to comb through my art, cutting out the 'uhm's and excessive words. They would otherwise drain the limited life bank of my precious viewer, for no reason. I cannot be that selfish.

Anyway, are you ready to hear about my goal in life?

My goal in life is to be an alien that lives an unhurried life. 

Instead of feeling like I have got X amount of years to get my books published, to make money on YouTube - truly, what a wicked way to live! - I want to let go of everything out of my control and just focus on doing the one thing in front of me.

Now, that one thing is to write. Before, it was to build LEGO animals with my toddler, so she could 'earn' erasers that she could use to 'pay' for treats. An hour ago, that one thing was to write a letter to a friend in distress. Even earlier today, that one thing was to make lasagne for the first time. Mmm, yum.

I want to be like Eve, an other-worldly character that only exists in a fictional world that I have created. I know that if I were to succeed in writing the novel, I first have to be Eve. I have to live and breathe like her.

In such a restless world, I reckon that to live an unhurried life is an accomplishment in itself. Even someone with five million dollars would not be able to buy what I am striving for. But I am realistic in that, I know that I won't completely rid myself of life's worries and suffering. 

And yet. By choosing to not define myself as somebody - neither a writer nor a video content creator. Not a mother or a wife - by simply striving to be a nobody who is hyper-focused on doing one thing well now... I can sleep at night knowing that 70-year-old Vivian would be grateful for a life well-lived.

Now, want to hear something funny?

When I open myself up to all the possible joys in my lifetime, I see myself knitting. Despite my talent deficit when it comes to anything to do with tying knots. (Man, will there be many knots...) I see my stiff fingers failing terribly at first, but I persist. I see myself learning to knit the winter essentials for my family. Socks, beanies, sweaters, you name it. I see myself knitting a sweater embellished with beautiful, intricate plaits, while listening to soothing music, with a hot cup of tea. 

I can't stress enough just how terrible I am with knots...

My dream of learning to knit is brave and new. Should I take on this hobby, I would be entering completely uncharted territories. I have a secret agenda to make stuff that I would wear, in bold colour schemes that I rarely see. I want bright colours in my wardrobe, without breaking the bank.

Plus it will be super cool to die one day, knowing that I have accomplished something as rad as knitting for my grandkids. ;-)

I still got stacks of research to do before I jump into the knitting scene. Nonetheless, this blog post is an important one, because it fans the flames of my living soul. This is the beginning of something new.

On my way to earn an unhurried life. What about you?