What Am I So Afraid Of?

I keep saying that I want to be an author one day. But do I really?

I have just finished chapter 14 of E-Myth Revisited. Note to self: Read chapter 13 and 14 again. I have to, if I want a shot at being a successful entrepreneur. The titles of chapter 13 and 14 are Your Strategic Objective and Your Organisational Strategy. Those are big words. I feel challenged.

Chapter 14 makes me think: What am I doing making daily vlogs, when what I really want to do is to write novels? Wait a minute, do I even want to write novels? 

Writing is an act of courage.

I have ideas for a fiction and two non-fiction books. The fiction novel, If Only, Eve has been put on the backburner since 2018, when I first started traveling the world. It reimagines an utopian world, with love and time as its currencies. It is an ambitious rewrite/fill-in of what actually happened to Adam and Eve, the first couple on Earth. It references the sacred Bible but is an artful attempt to undermine its authority.

My husband believes in Jesus. I used to believe in Him with all my heart too. I have not completely turned away from God, but I now entertain the thought that there may be no god, that life may just be a giant sandbox. Both seem plausible, right? Now, my husband is nowhere as gracious as Jesus. But I still respect his faith and conviction in his Christian God. 

Out of fear that my contentious novel would cause unnecessary friction in our marriage, I stopped working on If Only, Eve. My goal for it was to be a piece of literature that would cause religious people to rethink their faith. Intellectually, that seemed appealing. But when you know someone who is religious... Causing their entire worldview to shatter in front of their eyes is not something that you would wish upon anyone.

With all due respect, aren't you just a patriarchal authority that divides people more than you unite?

Before I met my husband, I saw my books being published, one after the other. Though in no particular order.

The other book idea I have is for a non-fiction novel, about the entire nightmarish adventure - the ups and downs of my relationship with my husband. No More is its title. 'No more,' that is something he often says when we fight. Those words never fail to make me feel muzzled, but I have learnt to use them too. After all, his PTSD and lack of patience make for a nasty combination. The main reason why we are still married is that he always reassures me of his love afterwards. Either in words or actions, or both. Should that man stop loving me, I will leave that very day. And possibly churn out No More that very night. The book may be up for sale a week later!

My husband tells me frequently that he does not like it when I write about him, or the things that he has said. 'The things that I say to you are between me and you,' he would say. Well, it wouldn't be so good if his wife then writes an entire novel based on him, would it?

Another book idea put on a perpetual backburner.

I can't say that I will follow his wishes completely. I still need my creative freedom.

My last idea is to write short paragraphs about all the men that I have had in my life. It is inspired by a Danish debut novel that I read: SAMPLE by Camilla Hjørnholm Olsen. She wrote the most intimate erotic literature that I have ever read. Perhaps because it was in Danish instead of English. Her novel showed glimpses of her time with five very different guys. I have not figured out how many men I would write about. Only that my novel would subvert the traditional Asian thinking, that talking about our sexual encounters is somehow shameful and taboo. 

I guess when it comes down to it... The reason why it is easier to make YouTube videos as compared to write books, is that I have got much more to lose if I write. My reputation and my marriage. Do I really want to risk it all? 

Yet somehow I feel that there is also much more to be gained. Even writing this blog post is an act of courage. I have decided to always write about the topics that make me slightly uncomfortable. Those are the things worth exploring.

I think Jesus will be proud.