Easy is tough
I am learning to just be with myself.
To just take it easy. To feel whatever I feel at this moment. To feel every craving. To give into my fatigue, pain, emptiness. Not to rush into doing what 'has to be done'.
'By right', Hannah shouldn't be napping now. But I let her anyway. Maybe there isn't any right or wrong in life. Maybe there is only right now.
Since my last post, I have moved into a new room in the crisis centre. They offered me a room that I absolutely did not want, and I fought hard to get the room that we are currently in. I knew in my heart that we were lucky that we got to stay in a luxuriously large room (room number 2), from February to May. But moving to an undesirable room (number 4) was just not something that I could accept. Our current room (number 8) is smaller, but I like it. I maximised what little space we have. Everything we have has its rightful place, as usual.
Hannah and I have a really cosy space. We are now on the second floor, with a view of the vast backyard, where we can see the towering trees and the trampoline. Another plus is that the toilets on top are luxurious compared to the ones we had below. I don't know how to explain it, apart from saying that it's like a hotel bathroom? It lets in a massive amount of light, and I can see the trees swaying in the morning. Just lovely.
The last amazing thing about moving out of our previous room, is that we no longer have to put up with our loud neighbour (in room number 3) who is on the phone every single day. I have had to knock on her door a handful of times - one time it was at 2am - to say, 'We are trying to sleep here!'. She and I remain friendly towards each other, but most residents strongly dislike her ear-splitting demeanour.
Life has/had been hard for various reasons. First, it was getting used to the new routine of sending Hannah to kindergarten, of making and washing lunchboxes every single weekday. Second, it was dealing with my impossible ex-husband. He was still exerting control over me, when he repeatedly failed to tell me precisely when he would pick Hannah up and send her back again. I felt so helpless about my situation that I wanted to give up fighting completely.
But I feel like I have arrived on the other side, better side now. Therapy helped immensely. My therapist Jane helped me to understand why I react the way I do when Hannah doesn't listen to me. For every challenge that I face, I am being equipped with a counter strategy.
For example, when I get mad at Hannah, I practise deep inhaling, counting from ten breaths down to zero. I learnt that when she doesn't listen to me, and it sets off my deep-seated pain of not being listened to as a child. I practise telling myself that it might feel like I am being hurt by my parents, but this is different. This is my child, she is trying Mum out, by pushing my ‘react’ buttons. She wants to test if Mum's love for her is truly unconditional.
Phew. I have come far, haven't I?
And about my ex-husband. I was at the family court the other day, and he did not show up. I got to know that as of now, he has no right to see Hannah, until he is willing to draft up an written agreement with me. He would have one last chance to meet with me at the family court and work it out. If he refuses, it will be on him. He cannot blame me anymore.
I am about to embark on a new adventure. One in which I would have my own network of friends, a job or an education (still undecided), plus a place to call our own. I will have a life where I hold onto myself, where I do what is best for me and my daughter. I think it is only because we are in Denmark, that I can actually do it.
Once I get my bank account, I will be getting roughly S$1,800 a month from my commune, after tax. That's not a lot, but that is a lot when you haven't had an income for ages. It is nearly enough for me to live a simple, good life anyway.
In other news, my friend Julian is coming to visit us in Denmark in just a couple of days. I am thrilled! I am looking forward to exploring different parts of Denmark with him. We shall go to as many museums as we possibly can, and enjoy each other's company for two weeks.
I feel like life has so much to offer me, that I have started. There is stil much healing to go through and much more love to be had. I just have to let time do its work, and breathe.