Safe and secure

I found someone whom I love.

Home sweet home. Long time no see, my friend.

Wow... There would be spiderwebs everywhere around here, if my blog exists in the material realm. So, so much has happened since I last published on November 15, 2022. Winter is coming to an end. I still dress myself with three layers of clothing on my upper body, but can now forgo the thermal leggings under my pants. (I will take that.)

How do you have a conversation with an old friend? Do you start by telling him/her that you are prepared to give up your long-time dream of becoming a writer/author? Or do we sit silence for a bit?

I am able to write today because I have a sick day off from my praktik (internship). I spend my Wednesdays and Thursdays at a nursing home near my place, taking care of elderly folks. The work is tough physically, but I genuinely enjoy making the old people feel seen. Showing up at work each time makes me just a little more convinced that this is the line of work that I want to do for the rest of my life. The only thing is that I have to really train my body up for it. As of now, I don't have what it takes.

I am still attending morning classes at the Danish language school by the beach. My big written exam is in May. I'm okay. Hannah caught a terrible virus at kindergarten two weeks ago, which completely disrupted my by-now well-established school and work routine. I have yet to regain momentum, because I got the said-virus and am still recovering from it. The worst is over though. Both physically and mentally :-)

That's actually me.

A perhaps juicy piece of news is that... I have started dating again. I found someone whom I deeply adore, who also adores me. I fell head over heels in love with him rather recently, on the 5th of March. We had just gone on a date by the beach (yes, near my school) where we each had a croissant with a white chocolate and hazelnut filling. The winds were extremely strong and relentless, but we did not want to leave. When we finally had enough of being by the blue sea, we headed towards the city centre, hand in hand. 

We got peckish and decided to have a bite at a cafe. I scrutinised the typeface on the food menu (oh, Calibri... in ALL CAPS) and criticised t the complete lack of consistency between the beverages and food menu. (Just FYI and context: I have a design education, where I chose to specialise in typography.) My darling joined me in making a harmless fuss about the lack of effort in the design. That delighted me. 

We sat in front of a rather massive glass window, with our backs leaning on the glass. When we first sat down and tried to make ourselves comfortable, I turned around to face the sunlight that was streaming in. In doing so, I naturally cosied up against him, with my back and bum snuggled up against his body. Now thinking about it, this gratifying act seemed so intrinsic to me. But only because it is not our first time. His windows and sofa are positioned the same way, and I have had the pleasure of sitting in the sun with him in the same way. It was... beautiful.

I know I had a great time by the time we said our goodbyes at the bus stop. I said a casual 'love you' to him right before I boarded my bus home. (Again, not my first time. Ha. I have come to embrace the fact that I can be a very affectionate person.) But to my surprise, he said, 'love you too'. (That, or I was hearing things, again. But I am rather positive that actually happened.)

Yeah, I do...

The next day, I found out the hard way that Cupid had struck me with his arrow. How does it feel like to fall in love? Like madness, insanity. The world becomes topsy turvy overnight. Nothing makes sense anymore, until I can have him close again. I have this desperate need to feel him, to touch him, to look into his eyes. To see his smile. It is frightening, exhilarating and intoxicating at the same time. I feel very thankful that the person I am in love with is capable of holding space for all of my affection towards him. It would be heart-breaking, if not.

Why do I want to be in a relationship? That's a good question. At the start of this year, I wasn't sure if that was something I wanted for myself. I felt like I have to choose between being an author / a writer, and having a relationship. But alas, those two things aren't mutually exclusive. But I digress... 

To answer my question, I want to be in a relationship because I want to talk about books while drinking tea with somebody, before we make love. I want to be in a relationship because it puts a spotlight on all the things that I have to walk on in myself. Except that I now have the emotional support of a mature person and a strong reason to actually do the healing work. I want to be in a relationship because I deserve to be loved. I also just realised how much I have to offer as a partner. 

That said, my relationship with M. is not set in stone. There is still an incredible amount of questions that I need answers to before I can commit myself to him. But I am glad to have found someone as brilliant and well-read as him. Someone who never makes me doubt where I stand with him. My dad's work always took priority, so when M. still texts me throughout his work day, if just to check in... That means a lot.  

He saw me as whole when I felt utterly broken. That changed me fundamentally. Plus, with M., it feels like no mistake is too huge. No embarrassment too embarrassing. He is someone with whom I can have an open discussion about anything, whom I can ask anything. Someone whom I can spend hours with and never feel bored or drained. Art, literature, philosophy, psychology, society, even physics. We will never run out of things to talk about. 

And by some sort of miracle, it seems like we are rather good at managing conflict. Even though it's only been a little over two months since we first met each other, we have already had a fair share of conflict. Each additional fight makes me feel like our relationship can weather anything. After every conflict, it feels like we only grow closer, not further apart. It's my first time experiencing such a healthy relationship dynamic, it blows my mind. How could I have gotten so lucky?

:')

Still, I need to find out if our core values are in alignment with each other. And I'm actually super glad that I am now secure in myself, that should things not work out between us, I know that I will be okay. :-)

I have learnt so much about myself as a person (a full person with sexual pleasures and desires), as a mom, as a... partner (?) in the recent months. I am the most proud of how far I have come from the person I was, and of the beautiful, peaceful life I have built. I wish to share more, but I have a routine to establish. The road ahead will be tough, but I will be tougher. At the very least, I have set a worthwhile goal in life. As a mom, my goal is to have Hannah want to spend time with me when she's an adult. My goal really helps to put things in perspective. 

My alarm clock just rang. It's 9.20pm. I'm meant to be asleep in bed in 10 minutes, but being the rebel I am, I might have a little night food (perhaps some cornflakes with milk?), before doing the dishes. 

Ciao, bella ciao, bella ciao, ciao, ciao!
Till next time. Take care.

(P.s. wrote this until 10.20pm... ;-) Also, I will update my 'Now' page shortly. Promise.)