Therapy: a gift to myself

 

Hello there,

I saw my therapist again yesterday. First time in ages. 

My relationship with therapy has changed so much over time. It was a source of help in the beginning. Someone to talk to, someone who tried to understand and empathise with what I was going through. 

Then I got to a point where I felt like it wasn’t helping at all. I went there to ‘report’ to my therapist about all the healing work that I had done by myself. So I stopped going to therapy. 

I invented this thing called ‘card therapy’, where I would collect postcards from the museums that I visited, and use them to write letters to myself. 

The format of these letters were that of my conversations with my therapist. I would always start the postcard the way Jane would start our session, by asking myself, ‘hvad lander du med i rummet i dag?’. Which very loosely translates to, ‘what (feelings) have you brought into this room today?’.

Little quaint backyard area - where my boyfriend lives.

Over time I experienced a lot of… seemingly small, eye-opening things, which completely revolutionised my relationship with myself. I went from someone who was very stingy with herself, to someone who is now able to meet her own needs, who is able to pamper herself and make herself happy.

I became the mother that I have always dreamt of being. 

During my therapy session yesterday, I said, ‘therapy is now a gift that I want to give myself.’ I decided that I will go to therapy every month, for as long as I live, basically. Not because I am broken, because I am not, but because it is one of the ways in which I build myself up to have the life that I want.

This is my therapist 😇

My therapist is someone whom I met when I lived in a crisis centre for seven months. The people who know me now, especially my classmates and teachers, only see how hardworking, brilliant and well-dressed I am now. My therapist is someone who knows my past and has watched me develop over time. She has seen me both one-to-one, and in group therapy, which is to say that she knows how much I struggled with conflict in a social context.

I am recommitting myself to therapy because I want to have someone who has the ability to listen to anything that I might have to say, on my team. I want someone with whom I can go to with my worst fears, someone who can catch me if I am not living according to my own values.

Unlike before, I no longer think that my partner should be responsible for meeting all my needs. (Silly thing to believe, aye?) I recognise that I need to widen my support base, if I want to lead a happy life, if I want to be in a happy relationship. 

We look good together ☺️

Marcus is great for many things, like for afternoons discussing literature and philosophy over coffee and tea, but he is not the best at celebrating my success. My friends Julian and Qi Wei are great at that and I love them for it, but they are all the way over at the opposite side of the planet. I need someone like my therapist, to look me in the eye and hear what I have to say, on the regular.

I am so proud of who I have become. That I am finally able to relax now.

Marcus is in Berlin with his German boys right now. I sort of sent him off yesterday, it was lovely seeing him all groomed (finally, haha). Hannah and I are going to sleep over at Anne, Alda and Ona’s place tonight. I am going to make them a sticky, chewy Singaporean street snack, called muah chee later. It’s made of glutinous rice flour. I’m looking forward to it and to them.