Identity: Who I want to be

 Hey sup.

I had an existential crisis yesterday, where I questioned the point of life. Meaninglessness. Existential psychology tells us that the meaning of life is entirely decided by the individual, if he or she is ready to take responsibility for his/her life, and to act.

I started thinking. Why am I in school? What’s the point of getting all these super great feedback from my teachers? I am doing a 2-year programme now, which would eventually grant me admission to a Danish university bachelor’s degree. Why do I want a bachelor’s degree now, when I have dropped out before? Why? Why? Why now? 

Today the snow melts. I feel somewhat ill. Some of us were given permission to work on our Danish analysis from home. I contemplated using this free time to pick up Hannah’s bag and winter boots, which I absentmindedly left on the bus two weekends ago. But it was snowing and raining this morning, so I didn’t go. At least I finished a psychology assignment, that is up to my own standards.

I found out yesterday that there is a Forfatterskole in Copenhagen. That’s Danish for Authors’ School. I am flirting with the idea of doing that, instead of going to university. I know, I know… For the sake of my future, I should go to university, right? But… I won’t think about it for now. (Future Vivian doesn’t exist anyway.)

I had quite a burdensome walk home from the supermarket earlier. I cramped way too many groceries into my flimsy backpack and the heavy weight was too much for my back. I normally take the bike with its attached bike trailer for grocery runs like this. But there was snow and I really just wanted to go for a slow walk. To tune the tempo way down. From accelerating bikes wheels to my own two feet.

It was during this walk that I thought, I know who I want to be. I don’t want to be the smartest person in the room. Neither do I want to be the most hardworking, nor the most well-read. 

No, I want to be the most resilient person in the room. I want to be the one who feels herself stretched and defeated, yet time and time again choose to bounce back up again, to pick up the heavy backpack and walk towards my destination, again. Again. And again.

In my online psychology module, I learnt that our identity is something that is always in flux. Something that we create throughout our lives. It so dawned on me, mostly because of Marcus’ influence, that I am allowed to be grumpy. I don’t have to always be smiley when I’m around people. I don’t have to be ‘positive’. Fuck me. What a revelation.

Therefore I have decided that I will simply be aloof and even grumpy around people from now on. Even with Hannah. Truth is, it doesn’t hurt them. I’m not being mean. I am just… not having to pretend anymore. 

Sweetly… This tastes like freedom.