Deep-seated pain & Sunshine

Contrary to the title, I am feeling optimistic. At 30, I am finally brave enough to feel the deep-seated pain that I have been running away from for ages. 

It all began when I started therapy a month ago. During our first session, my psychologist kept asking me a two-part question that I simply do not have answers to: "How do you feel about what has happened? Where do you feel it in your body?".

I felt nothing. I could not answer her because I could not feel anything.

We were on holiday in the Dominican Republic mid-February, the four of us. It was okay. I met his mom, we went to the beach, I got feasted upon by mosquitoes. We had the worst Valentine's Day dinner I have ever experienced. 

Come mid-March, I left with Hannah to the same crisis center where we once spent 7 long months. I packed nothing at all. No clothes, no toothbrush, not a single thing. My friend Ania bought me some sustenance and a phone charger and drove us there.

If I had to go back and encapsulate our toxic relationship and how it made me feel in one word... The first word that came to mind was dread. But then came pushed. 

Pressured. Stuck under a thumb. 

"A family is not a democracy", was something he liked to say. I should have filled in the blank: "It is a dictatorship."

As you can imagine, it was an uphill battle finding another place to live. I think I did pretty fucking great, if I may say so myself. In record-breaking time, I found an apartment not far away from where we used to live, right in the middle of the city. 

With such ridiculously tall ceilings that the longest, standard 3-meter curtains still fall short. I wish to have found this beautiful new home under less tumultuous circumstances, but it is what it is.

I have given up trying to get through to him, to convince him of anything. He has been terrifying during the last stretches, after I left and remained gone. I feel disgust when I think about all the different things he tried. First to kick me out and erase me from his life, only to try to get me back again. It's like that man can't make up his mind. 

But at least one of us has.

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Hannah continues to go to this prestigious school, that everyone in the city seems to be impressed by at the drop of its name. The principal has waived the school fees up till July, which is next month. It is a godsend, considering that T went from "I do intend to pay you back the money that I owe you once I get paid, I just don't know when that will be" to "Oh yeah? Make me."

I have blocked him everywhere. This must be what he wants too, since he wrote: "If you want me to be well, leave me alone". Only to promptly write me hours later. I have blocked him everywhere, yet he still decided to drop me a message on LinkedIn a few days ago. It came out of the blue, and it did not sit well with me. Because he was nice again.

I toyed with the idea of asking for my money back, but I didn't want to give him any leverage. It took me a day, but I blocked him on LinkedIn too. My therapist asked me to allow myself to feel the feelings I have towards the people that I don't like. Apparently, I have a really hard time doing that. I tend to smile it off, even when something really does not sit well with me. 

My newfound ability to feel my feelings is the reason why I am optimistic about the future. I can feel my feelings and be a safe space for myself, no matter how shitty the circumstances. And that is strength.

I have my exam in two weeks and I have had a hard time focusing. Everything that I have missed this semester amidst this chaos have accumulated to an overwhelming mountain. There is a part of me that still wants to push, to do more, of course. But how much more can I do, realistically, when I have just gotten out of a terribly toxic relationship, having had to find an apartment for me and my kid, and rebuild my home from scratch?

My therapist says my expectations for myself are sky high. I blurted out, "Is that really such a bad thing?". She said, "I don't know, you tell me."

-

I am sitting here at my favorite cafe, smiling to myself as I re-read what I wrote... We both know that I don't have to be so hard on myself. I am fighting a good fight, and it will be alright. ;-) 

I like therapy because I believe that it is in that space that I gain insight in areas of my life that require the most change. Except the thing that I need to learn is to relax. Go easy. Tread lightly. 

I made a little progress in catching up on Economics yesterday at this cafe and another. That makes me feel proud of myself. Both for my progress and my willingness to treat myself to delightful spaces. 

For dinner we went to Silvia's place for the first time and had such a great time chatting over homemade lasagna (she's Italian). And I could understand the chatter between her and her son Filippo, in Italian! My Italian teacher will be so proud. Hannah and Filippo had a blast too - those two usually don't play together, but it went so well yesterday. 

Besides surrounding myself with good women, I am also both avoiding men and learning from them. 

Avoiding them because I finally realize how much of an ego boost it is to men when they think they can get in your pants. (As I write this, a well-dressed law student sitting opposite from me is shooting glances at me every other minute. Maybe because I am in a bright orange dress with makeup on.) 

Anyway. Learning from men because they have as a collective group successfully managed to sit back and watch their female counterparts take on the bulk of the physical, emotional and mental load that go into running a functional household. If men can lower their standards for what is 'good enough' at home, so should women.

Seeing my apartment perfect the way it is now, I cannot imagine giving it up for a tweet of a man. 

We live well. Yes, it is a stretch economically given that I am still studying, but we still lack absolutely nothing. Of course there are a hundred things I want to buy for the apartment, that I could if I had the money laying around, but... The only thing that I really want is to have my art and posters to be hung up in a way that makes aesthetics sense, given the huge blank walls.

Maybe that is the metaphor for my life going forward. 

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I don't want to travel. I don't want to buy a house. I don't want to buy a car. I don't want to go back to Singapore, where I come from. I don't want a man. I don't want to date. I don't want to get married. I don't want to have a honeymoon. I don't want to have another kid. 

I want to take our bikes to the mechanic to make sure that they are ready for a summer full of riding and picnics along the way. I want to buy Instax wide films so I can take photos with Hannah and make a bunch of memories this summer. I want to buy photo frames. I want to buy a new eyebrow pencil and eyeshadow, since I started using make up again. I want to keep going to the gym and lifting weights every 2 days or so.

Ciao, ci vediamo. A presto! ✊